| (no subject) |
[Jul. 29th, 2007|02:20 am] |
fuck fuck fuck fuck
My anxiety is so fucking bad |
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| I always feel like i am doing something wrong. |
[Jun. 1st, 2007|01:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
I feel like I don't know how to be happy. I am never alone and need friends around me at all times to avoid being alone. I have all these things I want to do but am not doing them. I have great friends in my life but i always feel the need to move away. I question everything and then freak out and then nothing. nothing at all. I wake up and feel nothing. Then the frustration sets in because i hate myself for being that way. I don't like talking to anyone about these things because who wants to sit and listen anyway? Plus I feel like I am more honest when writing to no one in particular. FUCK. I just feel so down right now. I make myself sick!!! I want to puke!!! |
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| Dear friends, |
[Jun. 9th, 2006|09:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  I'm always hungry | ] |
First of all I want to start off by saying sorry I haven't returned phone calls. I just got out of school and I was really busy. This year was the craziest for me. Slowly but surely I will be calling you back.
Second I will be in Greece from the 18th of June until the 5th of July so please just send me messages on myspace or here because I dont want to deal with a shitload of messages cause I rarely check them anyway.
Finaly, I dont know if i will be going to michigan or not this summer, it depends on whether or not I have enough money to do so. I want to come home for a few days but I will let you know as soon as i do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2006|01:08 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | hungry | ] |
I probably won't be able to come home this summer. I am going to try my hardest but I can't really afford it. Which made me really sad cause I miss you guys but what made me even sadder was the fact that I will have to wait even longer for this...
Oh my darling hani. I miss you..... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 29th, 2006|12:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  flirty | ] |
i went to some show last night and felt like an old lady. it is so weird to me to see people doing the same shit i was doing when i was 13. sometimes when i get tipsy i tend to get a little out of control. I dont know what it is but i have been wanting to fight someone lately. i can just feel it taking over my body. last night a bunch of little kids were annoying me so much. it is so sad to me when you have to announce to everyone that you are still sXe and going strong. HAHAHA that shit cracks me up. i bet you feel so much better about yourself. whatever you need to do to feel better about yourself but dont go saying shit to my friend who doesn't believe in that fucking joke that you have turned it into. fucking little kids in their little mickey mouse club. its sad that you don't even know what you are talking about.
anyway i am taking kick boxing classes this summer and i am so excited. also i am leaving for greece in a few weeks. and then i am going in september for my brother's wedding. i cannot believe it is happening for him. Awww i am so proud of my brother. his fiance is the nicest, sweetest and pretty woman. He is going to be so happy. it will be nice to be living in a bathing suit for 10 days. much needed R and R.
now to start on my 10 to 12 pg paper, I AM SO EXCITED! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2006|11:47 pm] |
Which Western feminist icon are you?
You are Kathleen Hanna! Poster child of the riot grrls, you've grown up a little in the last few years. You've brought rape, feminism, sexuality, and wymyn surviving hard shit into the mainstream through art, music, and spokenword. You're PUNKROCK! But, like, for real.
Take this quiz!
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| Thank you Pantera for being wonderfully angry. |
[May. 12th, 2006|11:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | SWANS | ] |
I love my job more and more every day. The people I work with are seriously the greatest people ever. I am really excited to go to the Lava Lounge on sunday nights too. I am now on a shuffle board league, although I do not know how to play. I should ask Kyle what our team will be called. I hung out with Dav, Courtney and Enoch all day at work and it was fantastic. mmmm hugs. I got promoted as well. At the end of this month I will be the men's sales floor lead which means more money and more responsibility. It really made me feel good because they thought of me before anyone else there. I don't have to work on the women's floor anymore. YES!! In August I will be getting another raise, even more money! After work I came home to a house full of wonderful people: Brandon, Erica, Kristian, Dylan, Danny, and last but certainly not least.. ANDY!
I received my pay check today and I have no idea how I am going to buy my plane ticket for Greece. I am supposed to fly there at the end of June and go back again in September for the wedding. I only have to pay for the first trip but still its coming up and I am afraid tickets will be more expensive. I am going to try STA travel and see how cheep I can get it. I will be traveling alot this summer. While I am in London I will get to see some old friends from the time I spent there. In september I will finally get to see Annie one of my very best friends. We are going to travel around Europe together. Maybe I will finally get my art work back from my old school. I plan on starting ceramics up again this summer. I also plan on taking kick boxing classes. I am going to kick some major ass!! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2006|07:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | REALLY HUNGRY | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Beth Gibbons | ] |
I am starting to take Adderall again. I studied all weekend long for my Psychopath midterm this morning. All the information was there but it was all jumbled in my head. Hopefully this will help with my endless learning disorders. Maybe I will even get skinny again. WOO yay for not eating so much! haha. Or maybe it will be like in high school when Alex and I would joke about how I don't eat anything all day and then stuff my face at night. We would joke about how I ate like a pregnant woman and how I should have been bigger than I was. Then we ate lime Jello with sprite and a pecan. mmm. I miss him. I miss Lai Thai and National and how it used to smell in the summer time and of course Betsy. I admit I miss some aspects of Michigan but I LOVE Seattle even more. One thing that I don't like is how busy I am. I never go out. I don't have energy. Maybe it is because I am always walking somewhere. I like not having a car though and I feel so much healthier here. I don't drink anymore. I haven't been drunk in months. Weird. I used to go out everynight when I lived in Michigan. I don't know if I will be coming home this summer. I need to save money. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2006|12:53 pm] |
OH MY GOD FINALLY SOMETHING GOOD IS HAPPENING TO ME!!! I spoke to my ethics teacher from last quarter about my grade. I finally talked to him about how I should have gotten a better grade in the class and he said that he would let me answer an extra question to get my grade up. I realized that this one question will raise my grade to the point where I am not on academic probaion anymore.
Fuck Yeah |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 9th, 2006|09:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weak | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Casket Lottery - "Choose Bronze!" | ] |
My dad has been in town for the past couple days and it has been awesome. I never knew my Dad and I would have this kind of relationship. He is really a great person and when I went to his hotel and talked to him it was great. He listened to me while I cried about how I feel like I am not a part of my family and how everytime I go home I feel worse about myself because my family likes to pick out my insecurities and make fun of me. Not to mention they don't know me at all, they all want me to be something i am not. They do not accept anything that I am interested in, especially boyfriends. Thats a family get together in my family. Going home for Christmas last time was the hardest thing for me because I was miserable. I feel like the outcast of my family and yes it is true I am the middle child and for some reason that means my mom takes all her frustrations out on me. my Dad seems to be the only one that cares and I would have never believed it before. so from now on my family will know nothing about me. I am not looking forward to my brothers wedding because it will be the ENTIRE family. oh well maybe my Dad will get to see first had what its like for me. I wish I didnt have to go but I will not be going home for Christmas this year. Either I am going to my Dads or I am staying here. I just dont think I can handle it.
And I have yet another sinus infection. Its gross and I cant breathe! I just want to be healthy! |
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| i am not bending over backwards for anyone. |
[Apr. 3rd, 2006|08:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thirsty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Darkness | ] |
my birthday is coming up and i've been thinking alot about how bad my birthdays have been in the past. I thought about last year and how I was really upset about my friends not showing up and how funny it is that i am not even friends with those people anymore. it is weird how many people on campus i am not friends with anymore. at least i cared and at least i tried. time to stop caring and move on. Ill try to once again not trust people so easily and not be so giving.
anyway, i am really excited about my birthday this year and i know i will be around my true friends. there are some that live too far that i wish could be with me.
I am taking awesome classes this quarter and i am doing really well! i know it is too early to tell but i know i am capable of better than i have been doing.
I just bought a brand new ibook! its beautiful and i can't wait to take it to school. i finally have something that isnt a hand me down and actually looks presentable.
this summer i am going to england in june, then flying to Greece then coming back here. Later on maybe in July I will go to Michigan. September my brother is getting married so i am going back to Greece. Lots of traveling! but that is all maybe a trip to LA as well. |
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| HOLY SHIT |
[Feb. 21st, 2006|12:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
I was working at Levis yesterday and I saw this little girl looking at jeans and then I look over and see her dad sitting waiting for her...
The girl's father was this man:
I didnt ask his daughter if she wanted help and Im pissed at myself for it. I kept looking back at him, he cought me singing a few times too.
Im fucking star struck!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 2nd, 2006|09:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
On the walk to school I walk by a high school. This morning at 730am I was walking to class and some really nasty child molester looking guy stopped me to chat. He wanted to know what grade I was in. I quickly walked away saying I was in college. Too bad I wasn't 15 and a freshman in high school, he would have really liked me then.
damn. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 22nd, 2006|10:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hurt | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sarge | ] |
So its getting to the point where I dont want to go on my campus anymore. I really feel like I only have one or two good friends there. Everyone else makes me feel like shit and I know i did nothing wrong. Im the one that calls all the time and invites people everywhere. Im the one who helps people out and is there for them when they have their little break downs but where are they when I need them? Do they even know that I'm having a hard time? Do they care? I think not. The campus is too fucking small. I always see people I dont want to see and I hate that fucking fake "oh my god how are you" blah blah blah bullshit. PEOPLE SHOULD STOP JUDGING OTHER PEOPLE. IF SOMEONE IS HAPPY JUST BE FUCKING HAPPY FOR THEM. Jesus fucking christ. I want to transfer to another school, too bad for me there isnt one in the seattle area that has my major.
Ill just be keeping my hood on and my head down from here on out.
*much love* |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 11th, 2005|07:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
im coming home! i will be home on the 24th.
you all probably wont hear from me until the 26th. im going to the magic stick to see the holy fire and mustard plug. i plan on getting trashed i hope all of you will join me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2005|02:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
this totally put me in a good mood. thanks jain!
You're Link 80!
You're most likely annoyed easily and can fly off
the handle a lot. Inside you're most likely an
awesome person, but need to learn how to cool
off when you get pissed.
What Ska Band Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
haha i used to love link 80. oh yeah and i think i am bipolar because i was really depressed a second ago but i took this quiz and talked to some people and feel fine. |
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| "Doctor doctor cant you fix me" |
[Nov. 16th, 2005|01:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  broken | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Youth Group | ] |
I am a horrible cold hearted person that doesnt deserve anything. I thought you all should know.
I want to delete everything. Just fucking delete myself from everything.
sorry this isnt directed at you. please dont take it that way. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2005|02:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Of Montreal | ] |
Fuck halloween! I didnt do anything because I was sick. Im just getting better now and its over. Its my favorite fucking holiday and I had my costume all picked out. Guess Ill just have to save it for next year. And me not going out this year doesnt really matter because I had such a kick ass costume last year thank you. Oh yeah and I think I almost kicked a certain slut's ass last year. I think she was dressed up like a coke head oh wait no thats just her.
I am going to see Jello Biafra and the Melvins tonight. fuck yeah. I get to go see MAMA MIA again in december and i cant fucking wait. Anyone who wants to go with let me know. tickets are $80.
I will be coming home December 23rd through the 30th or the 31st not sure when im coming back. let me know if you want anything from seattle before i come back to detroit. this is going to be the last xmas there ever. my mom is putting the house on the market in spring and then she will be moving out here. so i guess im gonna have to go stay with betsy all the time. HELL YES I CANT FUCKING WAIT. it will be really nice going to detroit and not having to stay at home. |
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ikillforfree's journal
